Kawaii Murder

Harli.24.Executive Editor @ WeAreCollision Magazine.Journalist.JamaisPlus.

 LoveFool(s)


I said Jamais Plus…

And then it happened again.

To cut a painful story short. I was taking to someone, it wasn’t just talking - we were getting to know each other; sharing stories and feelings that I hadn’t even shared with my closet friends.

After a very funny (in the good sense) skype call, I was ignored for a couple of days. When I finally got through to him he said he had a lot on his mind and that he was sorry. I respected that and mentioned that if he wanted to talk - I was here. Rien. A couple more days passed and I literally said “I guess you no longer want to talk - no problem, thanks for talking to me anyway.” It was at that moment when he decided to tell me that he just started a relationship with someone else that “had liked him for a long time” and that I’m a lovely guy who will find someone that I deserve and that he still really wants to be friends.

I saw that and threw my phone away. All I could say was “Ok” at first. He then really thought everything between us was okay and told me that it’s his firs day back at work tomorrow etc. Again, I replied “Ok” - I then sent a long message expressing my disappointment and my hurt - because it did (and still does) hurt. He could only apologise… I didn’t really get the answer I wanted. I wanted to know why he bothered to talk to me in the first place, all I had from his was “I didn’t think anything between myself and this guy was going to happen” - basically, you’re second best.

He still expressed that he wanted us to be friends. I told him to give me time, and I think that same day I told him I couldn’t be his friend. He said he understood and that he’d be the same (which begs me to think why he even did this to someone, if he’d react the same way). One of the last things I had said to him was that I’d have gladly been his boyfriend and that maybe our paths will cross one day, he aptly ignored the first part, but replied with a “hopefully, I’d like that x”

Then I made a mistake and messaged him saying I couldn’t stay mad at him (lies) and that I’d be willing to be friends and that I was over the worst (again, another lie). I just wanted to see if he was actually going to uphold the whole ‘friend’ thing.

All up until now, I haven’t even heard from him. Just as well, I deleted his number, Skype, I removed him as a friend on Facebook - I had to, every time his face entered my mind; I either cried or became angry and I just didn’t want that.

Part of me really wants him to see this, the other part of me know that he probably just didn’t care. If he happens to stumble upon this then maybe just maybe he might understand where I’m coming from…

Even when I think about it now, I’m hurt. I was beginning to like and trust him and he did that. Maybe I’m being too over-sensitive, but when someone seemingly expresses interest; getting to know you, wanting to go on a date but then doing this… I just don’t know. 

This happened just before the beginning of September, only writing about this now. I’ll get over it. And I also have a horrid gut feeling that he’ll pop-up again. If that day happens, I’m not ready for it just yet.

I’m not even going to end the post proclaiming “Jamais Plus” - I’d be a dickhead again anyway. That’s just what happens when you look like me. Self worth: -2000%